Age in a relationship, does it really matter?
I am on my second marriage. When I met my current wife, I thought she was older. When we went on a dinner date for the first time, we both asked each other’s age. I figured she was 33–35 and she figured I was 40–45. Well, she was 29 and I was 49.
When we started dating, I was also dating other women who were closer in age. Yet these women’s views and or values did not align with mine. In my first marriage, we were pulled together through a common interest in health and fitness and still had very different views on religion, lifestyle, and how we raised our daughter. It was a relationship that lasted twenty-five years. Yet those differences we shared in our faith, values, and how we raised our daughter drove a wedge between us and caused our relations to fracture to the point that it could not be repaired which led to separation and divorce and later my ex-wife admitted to me that she had not been in love with me for a long time and she actually believed that men and women were not meant to be together for a lifetime.
To give you a reference point It was in August of 2011 that my wife informed me that she wanted to split. It should have come to no surprise. There were signs, our daughter was a freshman in college in Southern California which was three hours away. My wife had recently taken a new position for the school district making a very nice salary and then shortly later informed me that she wanted a breast enlargement. She had also a newfound passion which was Yoga and was training to be an instructor. I had my own passions, the outdoors, cycling, and automotive restoration and often she had to go no further than to the garage to find me working on a classic car. I was a director for a major wine company and did travel quite a bit, although to some very nice places and enjoyed some wonderful wines as part of the job but it did mean I was away from home three to four nights a week.
My thoughts at the time we could rekindle the spark that had been missing for so many years. As much as we tried, we just continued to drift further apart.
When my ex told me she wanted to separate I was not surprised however I was still hurt. I thought hey by staying together I am winning in life. We both had successful careers. Nice home and took nice trips together but being successful in other areas of life does not always mean you are going to be successful in your marriage.
Going into my next serious relationship after being separated I did a deep evaluation of the life I led. My beliefs, views, and what I envisioned as an ideal relationship moving forward. One thing I knew is that I liked the idea of being married. Having someone to love and be loved. Someone to share life and all that came with it. I realized that I at times was selfish and knew I could be a better husband, partner and be more supportive of the person I loved.
When my ex moved out it went from me, her, and two Australian Shepherds to me and the older Aussie named Phoenix. I had adopted Phoenix from the shelter after he had been returned three times. At that moment I swore he would never see another shelter.
Failed marriages are not uncommon in this day and age and experienced my common traits of someone going through it. Anxiety, trouble sleeping, and loneliness were all part of it. The saving grace was I did have Phoenix and found myself waking up at 4 AM often unable to sleep, so I decided to start taking Phoenix for morning walks. It was good for both Phoenix and me and this led to running in the park with friends, at the same time I dove headfirst into working out at the gym, cycling, and even yoga.
I tried online dating, made a profile, and was specific to the type of person I was looking for and what my view of life was. I met and dated some of the women I met online and all of them had values, views, and goals that were different than mine. They were very nice and successful however I knew that long-term it would not last.
At this stage, I was incredibly fit between running, cycling, and gym workout. I had met and made several friendships through the fitness activities and yet I was depressed and lonely and in a very intense job. Looking back, I should have appreciated the moment more instead of being consumed with the separation and divorce process. As they say, Happiness is found in the journey and not the goal.
Some of my friends could see it on my face and suggested we go out to have some drinks and dinner and a local restaurant.
Two friends and I were sitting at the table and the server came to the table. As she was speaking to us all I could think is that I want to get to know this person better. She just had this kind and warm persona. Over dinner, I shared this with my friends and they both agreed. Toward the end of the meal, I said to her; “Can I ask you something?” She said, “sure”, then I stood up from the table next to three elderly women sitting next to us and asked Krystyna if she would like to have coffee with me sometime. In the nicest way possible she shot me down.
This was exactly what my two friends said the minute I sat back down at the table and all I could respond was, I had to give it a try. When Krystyna brought the bill, she handed it to me. I opened it up and written on the bill was her name and number with a note that said give me a call sometime.
We met for coffee and then met again for ice cream and then I invited her to dinner at a nice restaurant. Over a bottle of wine, we got to know each other better. She was originally from Poland and moved to the States four years prior and had a master’s degree in special education and then the question came up; how old are you? I had assumed that Krystyna was in her thirties and she assumed I was in my forties. She said I am 29 and then I said, Well let’s just go with that, but of course, she pressed the question again and I said I am 49. There was a moment of silence where we just stared at each other. Then we moved to a different subject. At this stage, I did not consider diving headfirst into a committed long-term relationship but the more we got to know each other the more we fond of each other we became. We had similar interests, values, and spiritual beliefs. Family values were important and she liked the outdoors, hiking and swimming.
Phoenix and Krystyna got to know each other and initially, it was a big adjustment for Krystyna who never had a pet. The adjustment for Phoenix came when I told him he could not sleep on the bed anymore, but I softened the news with a big comfy dog bed, and Justyna started making him organic dog treats. I still had to travel for work and asked her to watch Phoenix. Phoenix would follow her from room to room in her small apartment, not letting her out of his sites.
Krystyna would speak to her parents frequently on Skype and her parents asked if she was safe with the big do in her apartment? They soon realized that she was as they saw Phoenix lying next to her.
Krystyna is a warm caring person and gets along well with most of my close friends however, some friends mostly female were suspicious. They falsely assumed she was a gold digger, she was Russian, that we met on some website. It got to the point that I would play into their assumptions. When they asked how we met I responded that I found her on a website called Polish Super Models Only, which is owned by Farmers Only. I imported her to America. It really turned into an inside joke between me and Krystyna.
There were always a few people who would make a commit about age, sometimes within earshot of Krystyna, “like she is my daughter's age”. I would respond that if you are offering up your daughter, thanks but I am going to pass.
During the time that we were dating Krystyna worked as a server at the upscale Italian restaurant where we met. Krystyna unbiasedly is a beautiful woman so to think she would not be hit on by other men is not possible. Early in the relationship, I said, “so how many guys hit on you tonight?” She would respond’ “no one!” then eventually she realized that it did not bother me and then started telling me stories about guys hitting on her and the pickup line they would try. I was never jealous and typically found the stories both humorous and interesting and would say on some occasions that the guy put in a lot of effort that she should at least have a drink with him, Krystyna of course never did.
We were engaged in November 2015 and when we shared the news with her parents, they were happy for us, and I asked her father, “So, don’t I get a cow, a goat, and some chickens for marrying your daughter?” They laughed and said they would figure something out.
We dated from Fall 2011 until April 2016 and where we celebrated our marriage with forty friends and my daughter who was the only family member who attended the wedding. Her family would have loved to attend the wedding but were in Poland.
Life since marriage has been difficult from the standpoint that my work required me to relocate to Southern California when I accepted a position at Amazon where I was there for a year then accepted a position for an Aerospace in the San Francisco Bay area then a transfer to Nevada while all these moves were taking place Justyna remained in Central CA and went back to college to obtain her teacher certification. At the same time, we were taking turns going back in forth on the weekends.
Over this period, we did our best to embrace the change and explored each area, going to the beach or going on hikes with the dogs, or just hanging out and cooking together.
In 2019 Krystyna went to work as a Special Education Teacher teaching 1st -3rd grade. Most of the children have moderate to severe autism.
We lost our Aussie Phoenix in December 2019. I had adopted Phoenix a few years before meeting Krystyna. As she said there had never been Morgan and Krystyna without Phoenix. We have both taken it hard for a long time but we also had gotten another Aussie in 2013 named Jackson that helped soften the loss.
In the fall of 2021, I went into semi-retirement and moved back to Central CA to finally live together after five years of marriage. With Justyna working as a full-time teacher I have taken much of the housework and cooking. This allows us the opportunity to do fun stuff when she is not working.
We are more in love now than when we were dating and there is no one I enjoy spending time with than Krystyna.
Some takeaways from what makes our relationship work.
Early into the relationship, we discussed mutual and individual goals. We stuck to the plan and supported each other every step of the way. Often time that meant I was cooking and cleaning while Krystyna was doing homework.
We planned date nights or weekend getaways to keep the romance going.
Krystyna was in a conversation with said to some coworkers and said, “I really liked my husband.” They laughed and said, “don’t you mean you love your husband?” She said, “but I do love him but also like hanging out with him, having deep conversations with him, or even just working in the yard with him.” If the relationship is going to last, then it helps if you enjoy being with the person you love. Supporting each other in your passions and activities
We exercise together. Fitness has always been important to me, and we look for ways to stay active like going to the gym, riding bikes, hikes or just walking the dog. Krystyna is an excellent swimmer and I encourage her to continue swimming.
Krystyna recently said what makes our relationship special is that we put equal effort into making each other happy.
Each day I say to her I love you! Krystyna responds with a smile; “I love you more!” I just say; “I know!” Then thank God she is in my life.
Together we are truly happy, happier than I have ever been. To be in love with the person who loves you equally is amazing.
So does differences in age matter? Well for us the negative impact has been minimal for all the reasons I mention and like any relationship you get out of the relationship on what you put into the relationship which often time requires effort and putting your spouse first.
I hope that one day everyone can have these same feelings that we feel.
